Mornings are the best part of day right now. I wake clear. My head is above water. The Sun is up. The air smells amazing with all the trees in bloom. The yard is full of birds. My old metal tubes are chiming in the breeze.
In the background I am aware of a full-body ache. It’s a pain turned down to its lowest setting. It’s there, but my mind has room to take in the beautiful Spring morning. I feel expansive and free as a child. I drink it in…because I am not a child. I’m an old lady and I know my moments of joy are going to be precious for a while. I drink it in, like a drowning person drinks air, deeply deeply.
Then someone speaks. My chest tightens, the muscles in my arms tighten. I’m getting ready to fight. The child is screaming, crying. Given my recent physical acting out with Richard, I have chosen and I’m prepared every minute to manage my behavior. I am first and foremost responsible for my own behavioral output.
I should say I clearly see there is a murderous rage attached to this pain. Which makes me dangerous. So far only to my best friend and life partner. He has said he will not strike me and I believe him. However, his permission or willingness to tolerate it doesn’t ameliorate my responsibility to manage it.
It’s there. No denying it. I lash out like a cornered animal. Gives you some idea of how much it hurt.
So I’ll start where I am. My actions first.
That’s how it is for me today. And I am wearing a big green Aventurine ring (see photo), which is like taking an Ativan. You put it on and immediately you calm down. A drug less drug, I tell you true.
My crystalline defenses are fully deployed. Forgot my Rose Oil.