Stuck in my body?

My physical well being and my mood move together. It is possible to achieve a better mood briefly, but generally if I feel badly physically then I am also downhearted. Not self-pitying necessarily, but just down.

Is this a failure in my maturity? My spiritual development? Or is it my nature, and as such a veritable fact of life? Should I accept it or try to overcome the direct causal connection between my physical well being and my enjoyment of life? Do some people really dismantle this connection? Become impervious to physical pain? Mood-managers supreme! Nothing can dent their perfect happiness armor. Right. Who is that? Show me? I’m gonna have to call BS on that one.

I’ll tell you what I see all around me: I see suffering. Physical and emotional and spiritual suffering. Abundant suffering. Frowning and grimacing and trying to look expressionless to hide their unhappiness.

Seriously, happy people smile. I smile when I’m happy. Don’t you?

It’s scary out here.


I always forget what wellness feels like, whenever I am distracted by some intense affliction. Like going through detox from pain meds. Now that energy is generating from within my body, my spirit is lifted. I would like to eliminate that cause-effect relationship.

I mean there has been quite a bit of affliction one way and another, and I am sure it is that way for many of us living on this planet today.

I’m a long way I guess from enlightened detachment. People say “be with the pain” etc. as if acceptance will do it. The best I’ve done with acceptance is being able to get through it. I would never go there voluntarily.

No. I really have looked around, and the thing that has always worked best for me has been self-talk.

Rich and I were talking about it this morning. How the body justs obeys whatever you say, likely whatever you think too! So if I say woe is me my body gets sad, chemically, actually and immediately.

When I am exhausted if I have further to go, I say or think, but saying out loud is more powerful, “I am strong.” My body instantly jumps up. Just like my dog. When I talk to him he jumps up. Okay.

So I think I will work on this method for a while. Maybe go further into Louie Hay’s work on affirmations and visualizations.

If we don’t have to argue with our bodies, just discipline them, okay train the body and be loving with it, emotionally gentle. Remember you don’t want your body in fight or flight. Ugh!

Well be all that as it may, I did forget what wellness feels like. Perhaps it has been too long.

Namaste from wellness land.

Detox in the rearview

A week ago on 5/18 I took the tiny 12 mcg Fentanyl patch off of my arm and that as they say was that. Five months before it was a 100 mcg patch. I cut it in half monthly more or less until I got painfully down to 12 mcg/hr. Then I just pulled it off. I was so done with the whole process.

I stopped smoking the same way. Just took the open pack out of my purse and threw it away. Done.

Sound easy?

It’s not easy. Perhaps easy is not the decisive issue in the decision to quit smoking or to quit using narcotic pain meds. If you’re looking for easy, well get a nicotine patch or get to a methodone clinic. Cold turkey, as it is called and I don’t know why, is not easy. It’s hard.

But it is swift and certain, if difficult. Difficulty does nothing for my ego, which would prefer both to stay on opiates and to smoke cigarettes, were it at all feasible. The feasibility studies are all in, so denial is not possible. Smoking tobacco and taking opiates daily will shorten your life in nasty ways. The party is brief, the results are fatal.

As I have said before, I’m too nosey to die before I must. I want to see what comes next. I want to see my grandchildren grow up, maybe hold their babies. There’s a lot I have a continuing taste for in life. I want to frolic on the beach, in a mountain meadow … well there is too much to tell. I just want to live a while longer.

And then there is a spiritual motivation as well. I have long been troubled by how the drugs interfere and dull me psychically. I could be more help to others if I weren’t dulled down.

But whatever reasons I may enumerate at any moment, bottom line is I did this because it was necessary, not because I prefer being drug-free. I like drugs. But I like being wide awake more.

So I chose life, because I like life more.

Still detoxing

Sleep came after 3 this morning so I was glad to find I’d slept 8 hrs. But 11 is hella late to be under the covers. Still … If I stay still I can ignore the pain in my low back. But staying still isn’t an option. My body craves movement. And now even Spike has left the bed. Add to that Rich and Tré will be here soon. Best just push through the pain. Ha!

There has always been a center in me where something more enduring abides. The watcher, of course, the quiet unperturbed observer. So not only has it never been upset, it also has never been sick. I like this part of me better all the time.

The boys are delayed so Tré can finish his movie. I’m glad gives me more time to slowly unwind myself from the past six days of being narcotic-free. Just finally last evening I found a non-narcotic pain remedy that works. I need to take some right now.

Okay. Taking medicine has become an important part of life lately. But having it work, now that is really something.

Last night I stopped for some Arnica pellets and also got a formula for leg cramps, which routinely keep me from getting to sleep.

When the pain disappeared I was shocked. And of course delighted. I took more than the recommended dose. Just now I took the recommended dose to see if/how that works.

I really am astonished that the homeopathy worked by far the best of anything I tried for the body pains of withdrawal from narcotic pain meds. How many unfortunate people, like me believe that only opiates can get rid of their chronic pain?

I know I’m weird, but I’m not so weird that I would be the only person who had that idea.

We live entirely within the grip of the mainstream media. Talk about one-stop-shopping! You get all your needs met on the screen, on the projection screen, where you experience sports events as a live viewer, teleported as it were, to the upper deck at the arena, and from there you can use your bionic eyes to zoom in or even replay the action.

Well speaking for myself, live is still better. But virtual, while not entirely real is really close. Of course, we were mesmerized. And look at us go mobile! We can hardly wait for the next technology. But being physically present has dimensions that seeing and hearing remotely just can’t begin to compete with.

Let’s be honest, physical enjoyment is pretty amazing! And the thrill of catching a foul ball requires you to not only be there in the flesh, but also to bring your glove.

I’m in a better mood today. Acupuncture yesterday and homeopathy making a good combination.

The clerk at SuperSup said the flower remedies heal emotional aspects of injury/illness. So she sold me a pricy tube of lotion for my knee. And she looked right at my right shoulder and said to use it for any other places I’ve been cut on. Right. All night I thought about what she said.

The flowers heal emotions. What about sound? Healing sound. I know it is healing. But in which ways? I know sound works with the energy system. Physical for sure. But not the way a cup of tea can aid digestion. The energy that cycles through the physical and animates it. It is physical in that it exists and can be measured as to intensity, color and temperature at the minimum. Without instruments.

Sound and aroma. Don’t leave them out of your healing. Including them will make your efforts more holistic and I gotta think that’s a good thing!

Namaste from detox land.

“Easy Detox” Added To Oxymoron Hall Of Fame


I have been going through detox from prescription narcotics these past several days. My polio doctor agreed to help me get off the Fentanyl pain patch. My dose had begun to climb, predictably. I had a moment of clarity when I envisioned its continued rise culminating in … what? Well my liver could fail. Or I could make a mistake and OD. Or? Hell I don’t even know what else the junk might do to me. But I can imagine it rotting my brain. But I digress.

Of one thing I am clear. Narcotics and most other hypnotics, sedatives, tranquilizers, muscle relaxers … they all dull you. And they dumb you. Even Cannabis has negative effects on one’s aura. Clouds it up. So the choices are all shitty so far. Assuming I wish to live powerfully.

What do I wish?

I wish for playful times with loud laughter. Right now, I can’t tell what is ahead. My focus is on getting through this.

What actually does it matter if I use or don’t use narcotics in the management of my pain? I have given this some thought. I wouldn’t give up any substance that relieves pain unless the costs were too high, higher than I’m willing to pay. The way I see it if I continued to use narcotic pain relievers, I die sooner than I need to.

I am just too absolutely nosy, too fascinated to look away. I always want to see what’s next.

Don’t you?

So what I want to say is brief. I had a doctor helping me detox and I lowered my dosage by half every month so I had a week of painful withdrawal from 50 to 25, and 25 to 12. And now I went from 12 mcg/hr of Fentanyl to zero last Saturday. I have more patches but I wanted to be done with this.

You don’t know what you can handle until you try. If you decide not to give up, if you bite down on it you can do it.

Panic attacks were lurking at my edges these past few days. But that was just a few times and it was easy to subdue. Cannabis, Mullein, Arnica, Curamin (Curcumin, boswellia and DLPA), Aspirin, Valerian Root. There is more herbal support I could call in, but I think it is all helping.

I agree with the online forum, cannabis does not reduce or erase withdrawal symptoms. But Cannabis calms me, and that does help.

This detox business is plain lousy. Today when I woke up I was immediately aware that my back muscles are beginning to relax. Over the hump, as they say. Downhill side.

But let’s get one thing clear: there is no detox without withdrawal. To avoid it I would need to take other mood-altering body-damaging substances, all of which interfere with my spirituality.

But a month ago I wouldn’t have believed I could go cold turkey in my body. And truly it does have aches and pains. But there are other remedies. I’m determined to find them.